It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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