He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
it's like iHOP with fire
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
