sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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