3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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