my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
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I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
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You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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