So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
As shirtless as possible
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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