At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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