YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
