I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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