Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize