so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
