i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm at about main and main street
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
