She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
