Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
