Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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