I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i think i just lost a toe
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
