As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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