If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I need a beard to bite.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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