I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
