Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
