just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
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