If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
