How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
