Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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