you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
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I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
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No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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