broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
