Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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