It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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