I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
