apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
ttyl tear gas
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
