mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
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The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
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I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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