Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
