we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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