we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
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Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
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