five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
