Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
