im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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