i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
foreskin is a definite game changer
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
