I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
