neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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