Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
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Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
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Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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