My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
