if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
