I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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