he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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