Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
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I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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