He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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