i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
