she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
