I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
