and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
