I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
