Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Randomize
