ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
