They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
