i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the condom got lost in my hair
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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