I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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