did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Text me some of your sweat
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