Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
