oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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