That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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