and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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