Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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